This is my first “official” guest post here at The Worry Games. “V”, who chooses to remain anonymous, is here representing the teens that live with anxiety. He is typically a sports and fan- fiction blogger, but chose to blog for me about his Social Anxiety. I have lived with the frenetic over thinking, analyzing and self-doubt of social anxiety….and general anxiety as well. I know the frustration and how it can make you feel beat down at times and I think he really captures it in this post.
The Pessimistic Route
Phone charger. Check.
Self confidence? Unless I’m having a “me-party” in my room, it ain’t leaving this house with me.
If my brain spent half the energy it does on making me nervous, going through emotional mood swings on the hour, and on making me more introverted, I’d be in a much better situation and I wouldn’t have to weigh the pros and cons of each trivial thing I wanna do when socializing.
Wanna eat? Are you gonna keel over a public toilet and hurl it out your throat before nights end?
Dry up those blurry eyes, how else are you gonna clean this mess you made? Wipe yourself. Get back out there and look dazed. Daydream about being anywhere but here. Take out your phone and see if Bill Simmons posted a new podcast for you to listen to when you’re home. Read some columns. Got your sister’s ear buds with you? Good. When you guys are walking whip them out and listen to some sweet hardcore rap music. Be sure to keep that “I miss my bed” look on your face through the whole thing. Sit here and think about whose fault it is other than yours that you’re so f’d up.
All those horrible thoughts start to invade your mind, your chest beats harshly, you feel you are about to black out and think that might be for the best. I cower under my arms hiding myself from sight, only succeeding in making myself look foolish.
It isn’t your fault. Except all those parts where it is.
Nah, you’re a fighter. You matter. Big things are ahead of you. One day the script will flip and you’ll be the perfect person you always wanted to be. Just wait…
Just wait for the day the stars align and all those scenarios your noggin conjured up, where a simple trip to Faneuil Hall will end in your death, just vanish without a trace. How long did it take for you to come up with the idea of the most likely way of passing on is via car accident? I’ll wait.
When did this all start? Who was the a-hole that sent me on the path to Shitsburg? When I was eight did I just like attention but was smart enough to know acting out would only land me in trouble, so I opted to act like a wuss? Am I really that smart?
When I sit down and really analyze everything, I come to the conclusion that I am living the greatest life ever…..no financial worries or anything close to the sort. Yet, every day is a whirlwind of emotions that are unpredictable. A simple car ride to Dunkin Donuts can make me experience anger, joy, fear, resentment and depression. And that’s just on the way there.
Most of my problems are self-inflicted. A simple trip to the gas station leads my mind to make up thousands of horrible scenarios in which I don’t come home, or how the car can get busted. Hell, me just typing that sentence makes me paranoid about crashing the car.
My solace is reading and writing. A trip to the library, reading a book I’m more than halfway through, or putting pen to paper is the only times where I feel outside of my social anxiety bubble. There are many days where I hate that I took this (blogging) up as my career. The chances of me making a living out of this are very slim. Some days are miserable and nothing gets done and I waste time……or I just goof around and procrastinate.
The running gag fear in my head is that I will fail and work a soul crushing job of shoveling elephant feces at the circus. Thirty-five year old me will still be debating whether or not it was a good idea to do this guest post.
I then think about what if I fail and social anxiety consumes my life. Well, I envision a fat, lazy, ugly person who does nothing for nobody and makes everyone’s life worse. So that’s worst fear number two. I call that scenario the “most logical” one.
But I truly do not know where I’d be without those two verbs, “reading and writing”, in my life. They aren’t the elixir to my troubles, but they are the ale to calm me down.
I don’t believe I can beat social anxiety. Every day it comes roaring out its corner to beat the living shit out of me, despite it giving me an ass whopping just the previous day. It always attacks me with a vengeance.
My knees shake, I begin to lose focus. Social anxiety is an uphill battle and just pretending it doesn’t exist has only made things worse for me. I went through years bandaging the damn problem. It worked on some occasions, and failed on many. Most nights I wanted to go home when being with my friends after only two hours.
Socializing is exhausting.
This thing will follow me for the rest of my life. I am in the deepest hole with it that I can remember.
A cup of coffee or tea, a book, a pen and paper and my phone is all I need to take me to different place. Oh, and lots of free time. Can’t forget that.
Any chance I get to escape all the flaws that manifest in myself, I take it gladly. Whether it be listening to music, watching sports or just plain good ole procrastinating…. I never forgo an opportunity to hide from my problems.
I write this not to be an emo teen, I am writing this to show there is a horrific side to social anxiety and that if you relate to any of what I just wrote, you’re not alone and you should never forget that. We suffer together.
Bottom line: Social anxiety sucks. There is an optimistic way to attacking the problem, and of course there is the pessimistic route.
Guess which one I take?
Thanks to V for his great post. You can find more of his writings at:
Tumblr: Reviews – http://emblem-333.tumblr.com
Tumblr: Fanfictions – http://35hours.tumblr.com/post/145765953443/sparring-session