The Darkest Nights

“Even the darkest night will end,  and the sun will rise.”                                                                                                                                              –  Victor Hugo

Ever since I was little,  I have always had a sense of dread come over me as the sun goes down and blackness fills the sky.

I’m not sure why.

I’ve wondered if maybe it’s because of my fear of death,  the dark end of the day reminding me that someday my life will be ending as well.   Or maybe it’s because I have such a negative leaning personality and without the activity of the day and the sun shining brightly to distract me,  my true darker side comes out.   Perhaps it’s because I know that everybody is going to bed and shutting down for the day and that makes me feel a little bit lonely.   I don’t know,  but whatever the cause,  this dread has been my companion for as long as I can remember.

It used to bother me a lot more when I was younger,   but now,   as soon as I see the last traces of orange and purple leave the sky,  I remind myself that the Earth is already spinning me back toward that light again.   Every second brings it a little bit closer.   It is inevitable.   I don’t have to worry about it.   I don’t have to try to control it.   It is the one and only thing in this world that I can count on with 100% certainty.   Its bigger than me,  and as somebody whose imagination causes me to believe that everything in my world is larger and more important than it is,  I am very comforted by that feeling of being small and insignificant.   My presence here on earth does not impact the rising of the sun one bit..and I love that.   I need that.

Of course,   Victor Hugo meant his words in the figurative sense,  and I remind myself of them whenever I am going through a particularly rough time.

“This WILL pass”,   I tell myself.   “All I have to do is stay strong and wait patiently”.

I may not have the 4 billion year proven track record that the sun has,  but I do have 43 years of surviving on this Earth to base my faith in myself upon.   Because of my anxiety disorder and the losses in my life,  I have had dark nights that have lasted for weeks…months even….but there hasn’t been one that hasn’t ended with a sun rise eventually.

Sometimes we have problems so big that it can feel like it is taking an eternity for our world to spin us back to the sun,  but we have to have faith that every second is bringing us one step closer to it.   We don’t have to try to control it.   We simply have to hang on tight,  not lose our balance and keep our eyes to the sky,   looking for those first glimpses of light.

Photo Credit: Rising Sun Courtesy of Pixabay