Having the soul that I have has been my greatest gift and my greatest challenge.
I am sure that many of you with anxiety disorders can relate because we all share so many of the same characteristics. Being emotional and sensitive and analytical and intelligent and a thinker……these are all wonderful things that give us a special perspective of the world. The struggle occurs when we take these traits, combine them with our negativity, and turn them inward and use them against ourselves. Then they can become toxic and threatening and menacing.
I do love who I am and I mean that sincerely. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t difficult sometimes. Every day I work to find the right balance between my “dark side and my light side”. I want to be “me” 100%, but how can I truly be me when I have to spend so much of my time on this balancing act…positive vs. negative? If I am not constantly “on it”, and maintaining some level of awareness of my inner dialogue, my life might fall apart around me again. Having to be so diligent can be exhausting and make me feel a bit like a prisoner of my own mind at times.
The real “me” is negative and a worrier. That is the state where I am my most “comfortable” in a twisted, backwards, but very authentic sort of way. And I am always having to challenge that part of myself. I have to. I don’t have a choice.
Sometimes I have a bad day and I start to think that it’s not fair that so many people get to go through life without feeling this urge to over think and worry about everything. Most people just seem to go through life so easily….or at least easier. They must feel so free. It’s not that I want to be “happy”. I am not looking for happiness. I don’t think human beings were meant to be “happy” all the time any more than they were meant to be sad all the time. I just want to feel content.
I get asked from time to time if I would get rid of my anxiety forever if I could, and my answer is always no. As crazy as it sounds, I don’t want to live in a world where I am not a neurotic control freak. But I gotta say that I would love to just spend one day in the mind of a “normal”…..somebody who doesn’t over think or feel an ever-present negative undertone. It makes me a little sad to know that I will never know what the “average” human experience feels like. But then I realize I am over thinking how I would like to not over think – and I just try to let it go. We all have our “thing”, right? Like they always say….the only normal people are the ones you haven’t met yet.
But here I have all this going on in my head, all the time, and nobody is even aware of it. It would be so nice if I just had one person in my real life over the age of 12 who understood and who “got me”. (My amazing kids get me pretty well, but you can only share so much with your kids, you know?) I have so many wonderful online friends who understand, but nobody in the real world.
I would even give up my 24 hours as a “normal” if I could have that.
My husband knows that I have recovered from my severe anxiety issues and that I seem to be “normal” now. That is how he sees me. He hasn’t got a clue what has to go on in my head all day to maintain that “normalcy”. The negativity and fear and worry doesn’t cease to exist now that I am “recovered”. It still comes, not as often as it used to, but it still comes….and I have to work to talk myself through that negativity.
There is a constant inner debate going on between my conscious mind and that negative inner little voice of mine. I have become pretty good at this inner back and forth and it flows pretty naturally now and doesn’t feel forced anymore. But that doesn’t mean that some days it doesn’t feel a little tiring. I have to always be paying attention to my thoughts, monitoring whats going on in that head of mine because if I let one get by me it could set a whole anxiety spiral into motion.
So is it difficult to be me? Yes, sometimes it is. But this blog post is the closest you will ever see me come to complaining about it. I look at my anxiety disorder as a blessing and I wouldn’t change it if I could. It will be ever-present for the rest of my life…..sometimes in a small way, and sometimes in a big way. But everything that goes along with having an anxiety disorder is a small price to pay for what it has given me in return.
It’s true that a part of me will probably always feel like I am not able to be my “100% true self”….but that’s okay. I just have to remember that I am not trying to deny those negative parts of my personality…I am simply trying to keep them from becoming ALL of my personality again.
Thanks for reading. I know this post has taken me FAR into the territory of “self-indulgent blogger” and I generally try to stay away from that…but sometimes I just see a quote and get the urge to share why I feel I can relate to it.
Photo Credit: Tree Photo Pixabay